Rachael Ray

Is this for real? Is it? Because if it's a joke, it's kinda funny. If not, it's just sad. How do you honestly justify HATING a TV cook? Huh? Seriously. How do you actually put effort into updating a daily journal about how much you hate a television chef? Good lord, do you obsess much? I mean, I can't stand the Boston Red Sox, but you don't see me griping about them on a daily basis. I even feel bad they're getting their asses kicked by the White Sox. Well, maybe I don't feel all that bad...

Back to the Rachael Ray and the topic at hand. If you don't mind grabbing this and that out of your pantry, some of her recipes are pretty good. I wonder if the people who criticize her have actually tried any of her recipes? Probably not. So she's enthusiastic, so she uses abbreviations for things, like extra-virgin olive oil, EVOO. If you don't like it, nobody is forcing you to watch her.

You know, it seems to me that people who sit around watching the Food Network that much fall into three categories. They are:

1. Non-professional foodies. These not-for-profit foodies learn how to make the "grand" or "mother" sauces, or a mirepoix, can tell you what a sauteuse is, spend hours pouring over Sur La Table and Williams-Sonoma catalogs, going to Dean & Deluca and Zabars, and watching cooking shows. Because they love food so much! They own four sets of demitasse cups and artichoke plates. I think watching food being prepared gets them off. Students also fall into this category, more specifically, culinary students, who have no problem eating at McDonalds until they go to cooking school. I know, I was one. Also known as total fucking snobs. Who the fuck is snobby about food? These assholes, that's who. However, they are NOTHING compared to professional foodies, until they become them, that is. Those people are like a rabid form of Martha Stewart. Stay away...

2. Your generic hausfrau. These women just have nothing to do all day after they've cleaned the house, shoved their offspring off to school, where they'll no doubt be beaten up for being losers, and aren't in the mood to watch General Hospital or Judge Judy. So they turn on Emeril, Mario Batali and Alton Brown to keep them company. Aww. It warms the heart. Do they actually cook any of that shit for their families? Yeah, right. You go to Stop & Shop and buy Andouille sausage. See if you can find it there. It's right next to the Chorizo and black and white truffles they don't sell either.

3. The typical 300-pound loser foodie who still lives at home with mommy and daddy, has no job and sits around eating Fritos all day while watching food being prepared. These people really have NOTHING to do. They sit on their asses in front of their plasma TVs that mumsy and dad paid for, then they go on the internet to discuss what they've just watched with other losers...er, I mean foodies, and OHMYFREAKINGGODLOOK! ICANTBELIEVEIT!
ICANDOWNLOADALLTHERECIPES! RIGHTFROMTHEFOODNETWORKWEBSITE! HOORAY! Because like the people from category #1, it gets them off. It really, really does. They get a high or they get an orgasm watching food being prepared.

My point is, there is a place for Rachael Ray. There is. So just let it be. I like her. She's cute, and she isn't committing a crime by using chicken stock from a carton or Bisquick. Guess what assholes, you try working 8 hours a day, coming home and feeding your family of five a decent meal that doesn't come out of a fucking Swanson's box. At least her recipes are quick and easy. They don't call for hard-to-find ingredients and there isn't a lot of prep work. It's a necessity borne from a busy schedule, and hello, it works. Just because the woman uses frozen spinach, she's a fucking heretic. They'd probably hate me because I put Tabasco sauce on everything. Like, oh my God, that has to be a federal crime or like, something. But you know what? Rachael Ray is laughing all the way to the bank, or gesturing enthusiastically, hopefully with her middle finger pointed at her detractors, yes she is.

But probably the biggest point I want to make to these people, if they are so seriously hating this woman:

If you hate Rachael Ray that much, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING HER SHOWS ASSHOLES? Go get a life, for fuck's sake. Secretly, they enjoy watching her, methinks. In fact, they probably Tivo her everyday, too. Fucking tools.

The obvious thing to do would be to simply NOT watch any of her programs. Again, I don't like the Red Sox, so you won't see me watching NESN. It's on my cable, but I don't put it on. Ever.

By the way, Rachael Ray's Swordfish Bites with Puttanesca Salad is sooo freakin' yummo. Oh...and Johnny Damon is NOT going to be a Yankee next season, even though he is, in fact, yummo.