I Have A Problem --

-- With The Wizard Of Oz.

Well, acutally, my problem is with Glinda, the so-called "Good Witch". Do you rememeber at the end where the stupid Wizard takes off in the balloon without Dorothy and it looks like all hope is lost? Dorothy is stuck in Oz forever (where they treat her like a Queen, and yet she wants to go back to Kansas and slop pigs. Whatever.)until Glinda floats by in her pink bubble and makes things wonderful again.

Glinda tells Dorothy she had always had the power to go home, heel-clicking, "no place like home" and all that rot. Well, Glinda the Good, why the heck didn't you tell her that from the beginning? Oh, well she explains that, "She had to learn it for herself." Huh? Newsflash Glinda, she didn't learn it for herself, and you still had to tell her. Duh.

If I were Dorothy, I would have taken the opportunity to educate Glinda on a few things. I would have said, "Listen bee-yotch, if I could have gone home all this time, why didn't you tell me before I had to spend anymore time with those creepy little munchkins, before I developed an unhealthy fixation on a guy made of straw, lost my dog half-a-dozen times, sang a whole bunch of silly Harold Arlen songs, got slapped by a tree, fell asleep in some poppies and got the crap scared out of me by some nut-job pretending to be a floating head-wizard? And don't even get me started on the flying monkeys. Oh, and another thing, the Yellow Brick Road? Do you even realize how long that freaking thing is? You forced me to walk all that way in these stupid heels, now my feet are killing me. Do me a favor and call me a cab next time, okay?" Anyone who makes a young girl walk miles in heels has got to be evil somehow.

You know what I really think? I think Glinda "forgot" to tell Dorothy that she could go home anytime because she wanted Dorothy to be her little stooge and bump off the Wicked Witch so Glinda wouldn't look like some kind of murderer. Yup, I do.